Monday, October 26, 2015

Rant on Twilight: Tenth Year Anniversary Edition

Warning: Much Rant and Shade

Yo! YanderePanda here! Just so you know, NotYourBlendedFruit will have her snark and salt about her KDramas and KPop coming soon!

Ah yes, the Saga that has brought much disgrace to the medium that is known as Literature. The Twilight Saga has had very mixed reactions, being known as a "best-seller" and also known as one of the most hated series on the face of the Earth. As you can tell by the heading and the title, I side with the latter. And before you Twilight Fangirls (And possible boys... O_o)throw any pointy weapons at me, let me point out the many arguments that prove that this series should be set on Greek Fire and thrown into the darkest pits of Tartarus, for it is even too much for Satan himself to handle. I mean come on, you know a series sucks, when even Stephen King, one of the greatest authors of the era, stated that the author "Could not write a darn". 

Premise of the "Book"

Okay, so we start off with a girl named Bella Swan, AKA one of the worst excuses I've seen for a female protagonist. She's up there on my "Characters That Suck Pond Water" list. Why people like this character is beyond me.

We start off with some average, plain girl who moves to Forks, Washington. She was said to be some "perfectly average girl". Nothing is really said about what makes her special. The only thing about her is that she ends up in clumsy situations. Oh, and the fact that she is not that girly and is stubborn and is supposedly "down to earth" and "unique" just because she doesn't like makeup or jewelry and is "Different from other girls". That's all we get from her. So someone please tell me, how the heck does some average, plain girl end up being crazy popular? Everyone LOVES her. She has one dude chasing after her immediately, followed by girls that are jealous of her. Like seriously, if she's so "special" and "lovable", why doesn't the freaking writer explain WHY? It was even stated in the book that she was practically a nobody before she moved to Forks. Am I missing something here? WHY IS SHE SO WELL LIKED? Bella's character in general is just boring. Are you seriously telling me that there aren't any other girls in this school that don't like makeup and jewelry and don't have INTERESTING personalities? We get almost no background for Bella. All we know is that her parents are divorced and that she just moved to Forks for a change of pace and has a red truck. Also, having Kristen Stewart play Bella doesn't exactly help, either.

And then, we end up with Edward. He only talks to his family and is known as the "mysterious, practically god-like Adonis". We get some little moments between Edward and Bucket-Face. Actually, let's just give them nicknames at this point, makes the shade so much more fun. Bella will be Bucket-Face, and Edward can be PedoBear. He's over 100 years old and is interested in seducing a 17 year old girl. If that's not bordering pedophile, I don't know what is.

Ahem. Okay, moving on. They start off as lab partners, and Pedobear is intrigued by the smell of her blood. Then he starts to get interested in her... And stalk her. Yeah. He watches her at all times, finds out where she lives, climbs into her bedroom, watches her sleep. I seriously wonder how the heck Stephanie Meyer thought of THAT idea. "Hmm, I wonder what the most romantic thing my perfect, personality-lacking, vampire-who-is-a-vegetarian,(no offense to any vegetarians out there) Romeo can do! Oh I know! I'll have him climb into her bedroom at night and watch her sleep all the time from the corner of her room!" Yes, because EVERY SINGLE TEENAGE GIRL OUT THERE WANTS A FREAKING PEDO TO CLIMB INTO THEIR WINDOWS AND HIDE IN THEIR CLOSETS AND WATCH THEM SLEEP. You see, this is why I hide a taser in my room. HIDE YO WIFE, HIDE YO KIDS, CUZ PEDOWARD CULLEN IS CLIMBIN IN YO WINDOWS. HE'S HIDIN IN DEM CLOSET, BOUT TO SNATCH YO TEENAGE DAUGHTER UP. I swear, if MY Senpai ever did that to me, I would tie a rope around his neck and let him dangle off of Mt. Everest. You know what? I like that nickname. Pedoward. 

You know, of all the girls for Edward to fall in love with, in decades, why did it have to be Bella? Again, she's a boring, average girl who just has an appealing blood scent to her. Man, that's creepy. Also, you can't read her mind. Thank the heavens, because I don't even want to know what you WOULD do if you COULD read her mind. Also, Bucket-Face, how the poopstain did you fall in love with THAT PEDO? AFTER FINDING OUT THAT HE WAS STALKING YOU AND IS OVER 100 YEARS OLD. I rest my case. If you're going to fall in love with a vampire, at least fall in love with one that doesn't sparkle. Heck, I don't think the author knew a single thing about vampires before she wrote this book. Sparkling, vegetarian vampires that can use mirrors, and don't get destroyed by garlic, holy water, or wooden stakes? DO YOUR FREAKING RESEARCH. I would also like to complain about the two pages dedicated to Bucket-Face eating a granola bar. And the four pages dedicated to her making enchiladas. 

Also, how the heck did Bucket-Face earn the affections of Jacob? It was just kinda randomly thrown in there. See, it was never really explained why people liked other people in this book. Seriously, how in the world did Bella and Edward have a proper relationship? They had nothing in common except for being fans of Clair de Lune. Seriously, what do they even talk about? This freaking relationship was based off of attraction and stalking. Where are the conversations and personality loving aspects in this "relationship"? It was literally just her meeting him, him stalking her, her finding out what he is, then dating. If this is a romance novel, at LEAST develop the freaking romance in a better way. Geez.

The relationship itself is controlling and abusive. It's unhealthy and unnatural. He looks at her and acts towards her in ways that freak her out, he controls who she talks to and what she does, he makes all of the decisions, he isolates her from her family and friends, etc, etc. And unsurprisingly, Bucket-Face stays with him. She gave up so much of her life to be with this idiot. This isn't a relationship of love, this is control, abuse, and based off of shallow, physical attraction. Explain to me, Twihards, on how this is attractive or even remotely appealing to you. Also, why does Bella ALWAYS HAVE TO GET SAVED BY HIM? Ever since she entered the relationship with this Pond Scum, she could never do anything on her own without him. By the end of Twilight, she stays with him, even after all of this BS and after nearly getting killed. Tell me again why you're in love with him? Attraction? Sure. Personality? No. Control and abuse? Yes. Almost dying? Yes. Well fan-freaking-tastic. 

New Moon

Okay, so Bucket-Face is yet again, pulled into danger. Quelle surprise. Then, PedoWard dumps her in the middle of the forest, stating that he's doing it to protect her. Pedoward at this part, actually made a pretty good decision. Then, the Cullens leave. Bucket-Face is in a "zombie-mode" state of depression, where she cries in her room every single day for months and refuses to talk to anyone. She was with the dude for what? A few months? Puh-lease. Someone needs a freaking reality check. 
Hermione and Daenerys are among my favorite female characters of all time, and are very well written. There are freaking good reasons why.

As said in the picture, Bella jumped off a freaking cliff. This was after she got out of "Zombie-Mode". How did she get out of it? She rode on some sketchy dude's motorcycle with the sketchy dude, claiming that she felt PedoWard's presence. Um, no. That presence you felt was another creepy a** dude. Flash forward a little bit, and our buddy Jakey is back.

She starts to hang out with the Wannabe Animagus. Yes, that's what we will call him from now on. She builds motorcycles with him and basically leads him on. She always hangs around him, goes to places with him, blah blah blah. Yeah, she pretty much used him as a crutch, just because PedoWard was out of her life. Flash forward a bit more, and we find out that Wannabe Animagus is a "Werewolf"! Yes! Another failed portrayal of a mythological creature!
Wannabe Animagus starts avoiding her and other crap happens. Then she jumps off a cliff. Then more other random tension goes on between her and the Mutt. And then Alice, aka the only likable character in the whole freaking series shows up. Eureka! Turns out PedoWard believes she's dead after jumping off the cliff and now wants to be dead also by turning him in to some Italian Vampires! Wowza! Cheese and crackers! Long story short, more crap happens and then PedoWard comes back and they get back together. Oh, and Wannabe Animagus gets mad. Confirmed that she was just using him for her own desires to be loved and whatnot, and then crawls back to the Pedo. Here we go again. Joyous. -_-


More love triangle? Fan-freaking-tastic! This book was just set up to add onto this sad excuse for a love triangle. Yes, a choice between necrophillia and Bestiality. Honestly, I'd just root for the dude who almost ran her over with his car. Too bad it didn't actually happen, because then this stupid series would end and I wouldn't have to deal with this sad excuse for a female protagonist. A shell of a girl who is a disgrace to females all over and lets a shallow romance get in the way of her judgement over an abusive relationship with a dude who's practically dead and that she will throw her life, friends, and family away for, only to get involved with another dude who was a sad excuse for a werewolf, who she used as a crutch.

Anyway, there's a "war" going on in Eclipse. War of Vampires. Wooh. Wooh. Yeah, like twenty vampires. And it's the height of the "love triangle". Back and forth and back and forth. Oh, and PedoWard proposes and she accepts. "Teenagers" getting married! Wooh! Joyous! Totally not a bad idea! They weren't even together for that long and PedoWard is still a facist dictator. Anyway, the love triangle is just pathetic. Jacob was barely a threat and it was obvious from New Moon that she was using him. The Team Edward and Team Jacob stuff was just stupid, because anyone smarter than a sack of bricks would know what the heck will happen. This story is about, or at least supposed to be about vampires in a "romance" (Romance that was badly developed.) At least Jacob and Bella had a better relationship in terms of development and no shallow and abusive stuff. Eclipse was just weak in general. Little surprise here. I mean, the only things I surprisingly liked about this book were the back stories of the side characters. If the freaking author who couldn't write a darn could at least come up with semi-decent backstories, why the crap couldn't she make Bella and Edward a little more interesting? Anyway, we get that cringe-worthy tent scene with Bella and Jacob and the sleeping bag... Anddd we get a kiss between them to "Make things more dramatic" and then Bella suddenly believes she loves Jacob also. Woot! Woot! Suspense! No.

We get a "Battle". All the bad guys are dead! Wooh! And then we get like one injured person on the good side. Seriously? This is what you call a fight? Sigh... Anyway, Bella decides to be a showerbag and chooses Edward and tells him this while he's badly injured. Go figure. Smooth. Oh, and there was also that part a bit earlier, where Jacob kissed her and she "punched" him in the face and then broke her hand. That was hilarious. And stupid. So, you "punch" a werewolf in the face, but you don't do anything about your "boy toy" when he controls and stalks you all the time? Seems legit. Well then. 

Breaking Dawn

Yeah, many issues going on here as well. So let me get this straight, you get married to PedoWard, at age 19, straight out of high school, willing to give your life away, throwing your family and friends away, for a vampire who controls you? Ugh, Bella. You're a loafing idiot. Anyone who doesn't think she's a bad character at this just... -_- Anyway, all she wants is him, for stupid reasons, and stays with him, for stupid reasons. God. Bless. America. She practically now lives for this baka, and is giving up her humanity for him. And just a few months ago, she wasn't sure that he was "The One", because of the "Love Triangle". Does this make any sense to anyone? Or is it just me?
She marries him, says practically goodbye to everyone else and goes on her honeymoon. And then she comes back... Pregnant. WHAT THE ACTUAL FLYING POOP MONKEY?

A half... Vampire... Baby? Okay, lemme get this straight. A Vampire, got a human girl pregnant. Think about it, because I am NOT going into detail about that! But it MAKES NO SENSE AT ALL. Anyway, she has to drink human blood to keep the "vampire fetus" alive. Um... What? And she states that she actually likes the taste of blood. WHY DIDN'T HE JUST TURN HER INTO A VAMPIRE THEN. GEEZ. THIS WOULD'VE BEEN A WHOLE LOT EASIER EARLIER ON. Um... Okay? Moving on, she has her baby. And then, she almost dies in the process, and  THEN GETS TURNED INTO A VAMPIRE. And then suddenly she transforms into a practical goddess and is suddenly perfect at everything... Wow. Way to make her even less likable, if that was even possible. 
 Oh, and then Wannabe Animagus shows up and imprints the child as his "Soul Mate"...? Great, now Stephanie Meyer is putting pedophilia and bestiality onto a newborn infant. Great. Just great. Oh, and they decide to name the child "Renesmee"... As if that's not punishment enough... And now she has to deal with a PedoWolf running after her. So it's basically like a forced soulmate kinda thing. And WHAT KINDA CHILDREN WILL THEY HAVE??? O.o And then she grows at a rapid pace, aging into a tween by the end of the book. Um... What...? If you're going to create more supernatural concepts, at least explain them better. Like I said earlier, NONE OF THIS MAKES ANY SENSE.

Guess what? WE RUN INTO ANOTHER WAR! WOOH! WOOH! FINAL BATTLE! BATTLE OF HOGWARTS BUT WITH VAMPIRES! Hehe, no. The only cool part about this last battle was getting a few vampires from other places and explaining a bit more about the covens.

Yes. This... Is... Pathetic. First the screwed up characters, the romance, the vampire concepts, the triangle, the first "war", and now this nonsense. Fan-freaking tastic. Also, if Bella is so "strong" now, being able to arm wrestle Emmett, how come she didn't even fight in this battle? Again, freaking useless. This fight was just stupid. (I'm going off of the books, in case you didn't notice for this whole freaking rant. I know they changed it in the film, but I ain't seeing that.) Anyway, things go back to normal, and there wasn't any suspense at all, and the events here were just poorly written as usual. We end up with them all living happily ever after, the end, which ALSO makes no sense. Bella's like "oh well nobody in the world can feel as much love as I do for you"... B****, you haven't even known this guy for like what? 3 years? A relationship based off control, abuse, and physical attraction? What in the world are you two gonna do for the next 250832981053809325801 years? What do you two even TALK about? Is he really so interesting that you throw your entire human life away, throw your family away, not see your friends again, etc? *Sighs.

Plot Holes

I briefly mentioned a few of them, but much needs to be asked, as this cannot be a complete snark without the questioning of the plot.
  1. How exactly is Edward unable to read Bella's mind? She's a regular human being at the start of the series. There's no explanation for this at all.
  2. If these Vampires were so powerful and invincible, why haven't they taken over the world already?
  3. Is Bella seriously the only one who found out about their existence besides the Werewolves? How is SHE the only one?
  4. What is so special about Bella's blood that makes it smell so good to Edward?
  5. What the heck is this sparkling nonsense? How does it work?
  6. Why was it such a big deal to go show off Edward's sparkling in the sunlight in a giant open area in Italy? I mean, I'm assuming humans would think that Vampires would have the same concepts as the ones in stories. They probably wouldn't think much of someone who is sparkling and they probably wouldn't immediately think he's a vampire of all things. I bet most humans would think he just had a ton of glitter on
  7. How exactly does Edward get into Bella's room without anyone noticing? Her Dad is a COP
  8. If Edward wanted to die so badly, why did he go to Italy to do it? Vampires in this universe are weak to fire and could probably be killed by other methods too
  9. Why did Jasper get so crazy about Bella's paper cut? I mean, he must've been around blood so many other times in high school and was perfectly fine
  10. How could Jasper control Bella's emotions if she had this "shield" that Edward couldn't even read into and even Jane couldn't even torture
  11. Again, how did Bella get pregnant? It was stated in the book that people's blood turns into venom when they become vampires. That clearly makes it impossible to create a baby.
  12. Also... Vampires are supposed to be made of stone in this universe
  13. Wouldn't people get suspicious of the Cullen's appearances? They all look very different with the very pale skin and the gold eyes. Wouldn't someone at least believe that something is going up?
  14. It took Bella and Alice two days to reach the Volturi. How come it took the Volturi three months to get to them?
  15. Why does Renesmee suddenly stop aging so quickly when she reaches the teen ages?
  17. There is absolutely NO explanation for all the supernatural abilities for the vampires in Breaking Dawn. 
  18. Why are werewolves and vampires enemies again? How did they start in the first place? 
  19. Charlie is an idiot.
  20. What happens if Jacob and "Nessie" get together and Jacob ends up aging like a normal human being? Do "werewolves" even age?
There are many more, that need to be addressed.

As you all can see, Twilight is not something that is well written and I believe that I have pointed out enough inconsistencies with the story and characters and premise to conclude that. Come at me, Twihards. And yes, I have read all four of the books years back, and it was quite traumatizing. Honestly, the best part about the story was the part about the enchiladas. 

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